Fan Boy Madness….

To be honest I am not that pumped to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,  to be honest I can not really remember seeing an Indiana Jones movie.  I kinda remember one with Sean Connery but when SCI FI Channel showed all three movies last weekend I got about 20 mins through Raiders of the temple of something or other and fell asleep.    That being said my anticipation is further dimmed by the inevitable ensuing upturn in fedora sales.  I can see the geek boys lined up opening day with Hats aplenty and whips in hand..

It’s not the fanboys that I’m concerned with — at least they’re aware they’re playing dress up. It’s the folks who say, “Lands Inn T-shirt from Sears”

I hear the Motion Picture Association of America is now rating movies higher on the adult scale if they feature smoking, on the grounds that onscreen cigarette puffing influences people to take up the habit themselves.  I have never been a believer in the theory that on screen actions make off screen habits…  Just look at me and my friends we play GTA 4 all day and it hasn’t….. Ummm  moving on to what I was saying.

In a case like this movie with a mainstream appeal and the main character being so iconic  I think the fedoras have the same effect, I am not saying we should rasise the rating to NC17 (because it’s my generation that will be the spearhead)

I do however think a disclaimer in 5-foot-tall letters at the beginning of the movie would be fine.

Something like:

“WARNING: Indiana Jones is a fictional character. His movies are all set decades ago. Before fashion and common sense.  The hat he wears is designed for DUST and to keep you from getting sunburned… You should not need said Hat in your Lexus, BMW, Honda or any vehicle made after 1975 Yugo notwithstanding..  In addition he is more physically attractive than 98 percent of humanity, therefore he could wear (and has) a clown costume and pull it off. These are all reasons you should not attempt to dress like him.”

See how much that would benefit humanity (except for the hat-selling portion of humanity)?

That’s not the only sartorial tragedy that could be prevented by a stern warning at the beginning of a Hollywood blockbuster. For instance:

Lord of the Rings, Nairnia, Neverending story, ETC, ETC I.E any movie with elves!

“WARNING: This movie is set in a magical land with soaring dragons, powerful, reality-warping wizards and people who can wear hooded cloaks without looking like complete dorks. None of these things exist in real life.”

Lets not forget about THE MATRIX… A world where computer geeks can plug in and be cool.. I am thinking 10 foot letters and multiple warnings for this one…

“WARNING: In this movie, black, ankle-length dusters make the main characters look mysterious. If you wear one to the local 7-Eleven, the only mystery will be whether you think you know karate but don’t, or whether you think you know kung fu but don’t.”

“WARNING: The extremely cool facial hair styles the bad guys have in this movie, if worn by someone with a body mass index over 30, will make that person look like a ’40s-era hotel clerk.”

Come to think of it, fashion choices aren’t the only problem. Lots of movies are fine in the theater, but have an unfortunate tendency to leak all over the real world. My solution: more warnings.

“WARNING: A character in this comedy talks about sex a lot in a funny accent. This guarantees that most of the people who see it will immediately start quoting it in a poor imitation of the accent. This will become incredibly tiresome before you even get to the car.”  (The Hugh Grant Warning)

“WARNING: This movie contains punch lines. If you repeat these punch lines to people who have already seen the movie, they may laugh. Do not take this as a sign that you, yourself, are funny. This will only lead to disappointment and, in extreme cases, dismemberment.”  (The Harold and Kumar, Clerks Warning)

“WARNING: This movie takes place in space. This means that it will be unrealistic in about 500 different ways. While we encourage you to debate this in online forums, because such chatter translates into merchandise sales via some mechanism we don’t fully understand, we are obliged to caution you that most people you encounter will tune you out for the rest of your life once you use the phrase inertial compensators.

(Star Wars, Nuff Said)

“WARNING: Yes, we know many of you want to have sex with one or more actresses in this movie. That’s why we put them in the film. Declaring that you would be willing to sleep with them establishes nothing but your sexual orientation, and declaring that you would not be willing to sleep with them establishes nothing but your capacity for self-delusion.”

(The Sex in the City Warning) 

“WARNING: The key lines from this movie will soon be attached to pictures of adorable kitties. You will find this inexplicably funny, and this fact will make you hate yourself.”

(LOLZ CATZ   Warning)


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