Man Laws

THE MAN RULES.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE… THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY
QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S
WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE
WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING
COMMERCIALS…

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE
NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER
YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS
FINE… REALLY.

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO
DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR BASKETBALL

1. NO WE DON’T GET TIRED OF WATCHING SCARFACE, BLOW, AND PAID IN FULL.

1. DON’T HATE ON VIDEO VIXENS. IF YOU COULD SHAKE YOUR ASS AS GOOD AS
THEY CAN, WE GUARANTEE WE WOULD PAY YOU MORE ATTENTION.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. YOUR HAIR IS FINE.

1. DON’T LOOK AT OUR PHONE WITHOUT PERMISSION. YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR
SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE.

1. DON’T FAULT US FOR WANTING TO KICK IT WITH OUR BUDDIES. BE
ACCEPTING. OUR TIME WITH YOU IS JUST AS IMPORTANT WITH THEM.

1. YOU TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I MEAN EVERYTHING!
BUT IT’S NOT COOL FOR US TO TELL OUR DUDES. COME ON…

1. DON’T EVER THINK FOR ONE MOMENT IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO FART OR BURP
AROUND US. WE DON’T CARE HOW GOOD YOU LOOK. IT’S NOT ATTRACTIVE.

LASTLY…
1. YOU WANT SEX JUST AS BAD AS WE DO IF NOT MORE. SAVE THE ACT FOR
BROADWAY. AND RIGHT NOW ALL OF THE POSITIONS ARE CURRENTLY FILLED.

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