Baltimore is So Hard!

Got this from a local Paper.. so funny and ignorant that I had to repost..

Baltimore is so hard it can scratch a diamond; but then it will steal the diamond so its best not to test it.

Baltimore is so hard, its slogan is ‘the city that reads’. Even though if you can read that statement you are more than likely, not from Baltimore…

Baltimore is so hard that Umberellas were invented here in 1912 so Rihanna and her big ass Caribbean forehead could have something to sing about 90 years later.

Baltimore is so hard, drugs here have UPC codes.

Baltimore is so hard I broke my nose doing blow.

Baltimore is so hard theres no such thing as suicide here, just people who died after they willfully let there guard down.

Baltimore is so hard the drug dealers here put all the pharmacies out of business. Seriously, Dr. Dirty fills all my Rx right from his office on the corner.

Baltimore is so hard that the maternity ward at GBMC hospital is eerily littered with flights of stairs and pile of coathangers. And thats not even the worst part, if you do manage to be birthed here and you dont meet the standards, we just throw you in the faulty baby pile like the Spartans used too.

Baltimore is so hard the only thing that will survive after a nuclear holocaust is cockroaches and Baltimore.

Baltimore is so hard, the number one cause of death here is Baltimore. The second cause of death is being killed by Baltimore if it catches you trying to leave.

Baltimore is so hard it beat cancer then curbed that motherfucker and took its wallet. Seriously cancer, eleven bucks and a bus pass, broke bitch…

Baltimore is so hard, the only reason the Ravens lost to the Dolphins is cause the airline wouldnt let them bring there guns on the plane. Fuck those motherfuckering redskin fans.

Baltimore is so hard the only people coming here are the people fucking here.

Baltimore is so hard the altar boys are molesting the priest here.

Baltimore is so hard the elevators here are stairmasters, and the handicap ramps are big walls with “fuck you handicap piece of shit” written on them…

Baltimore is so hard I went to prison and got raped by my girlfriend…

Baltimore is so hard that the Ravens have to wear either black, white or purple cause those are the only colors that you wont get shot in.

Baltimore is so hard that Chuck Norris was banished to Texas for being a pussy, where he became a Ranger. His brother, Ed Norris; showed him up by staying and becoming a hard police commisioner and talk show host.

Baltimore is so hard, its buses are on color people time, the light rail steals the electricity it runs on, and hailing a cab can be dangerously close to throwing the wrong sign.

Baltimore is so hard, if it were made into a videogame you still would not be able to beat it on easy with the cheat codes.

Baltimore is so hard that the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ was actually Francis Scott Key freestyling to a Three Six Mafia song. It was changed and packaged to suit a much less hard nation.

Baltimore is so hard, the Inner Harbor is infested with sharks, but the acid water would probably kill you first.

Baltimores so hard, its the active ingredient in viagra.

Baltimores so hard, all the bars have methadone on tap.

Baltimores so hard that its official candy is rock candy.

Baltimores so hard, the Orioles lose every season because they forfeit so many home games because of rioting.

Baltimores so hard it called Detroit a bitch and Detroit didn’t do shit so Minnessota and Chicago ditched him to chill with Baltimore…

Baltimores so hard, theres no drive-thrus because of the drive-bys.

Baltimore is so hard, Our Hard Rock Cafe would be Hardcore Death Speed Metal Cafe to any other cities standards.

Baltimore is so hard, unlike TuPac and Biggie; all its great rappers get killed before they have a chance to become famous.

Baltimore is so hard, they cut there flour with coke.

Baltimore is so hard, it falls asleep with morning wood…

Baltimore is so hard that getting to first base means youre into sodomy…

Baltimore is so hard that it used to be the nations capitol but it was to busy selling weed, so D.C. stepped up and took the geek job.

Baltimore is so hard that the 911 operators tell you to stop snitching.

Baltimore is so hard the condoms there are made of kevlar.

Baltimore is so hard it took youre fruit cocktail and you ain’t gonna do shit about it fish.

Baltimore is so hard even the stop signs sell drugs on the corners.

Baltimore is so hard it can kick youre big brothers ass.

Baltimore is so hard the nation keeps it supply of real there.

Baltimore is so hard even the Ravens are on welfare.

Baltimore is so hard that every drink you buy there is exactly forty ounces.

Baltimore is so hard, The Wire would actually be a comedy if it didn’t take place in Baltimore.

Baltimore is so hard it quit a while ago.

Baltimore is so hard, Jons Hopkins University has its own meth lab.

Baltimore is so hard that Hitler ran for mayor of Baltimore but lost the election to Satan.

Baltimore is so hard that Chris Benoit actually died protecting his wife and kid from a angry, drunk Baltimore.

Baltimore is so hard the Movie 300 is based on Baltimore fighting off the British, Nazis and terrorism all at once. Don’t beleive me go ask Baltimore so he can kick your ass for calling him a liar.

Baltimore is so hard that Ben Rothelsberger actually wears a helmet when he rides his bike there.

Baltimore is so hard my girlfriend fell down the stairs and now shes sterile. Which is good cause the baby wouldve came out spread like a starfish and her uterus would have been tagged to hell.

Baltimore is so hard that the the National Aquarium in the inner harbor is actually just a prison where they keep the nations most ruthless, badass sea life.

Baltimore is so hard that its actually the latin word for hardcore.

Baltimore is so hard that know one even knows it was almost attacked on 9/11, they never found any of the terrorists bodies.

Baltimore is so hard that you can OD on the weed here.

Baltimore is so hard everywhere else uses are toilet paper as sand paper.

Baltimore is so hard that our police force consists of 10,000 Robocops, does that make you feel like a bitch Detroit? Yeah; I bet you feel like bitches dont you…

Baltimore is so hard that Superman comes here to do his community service.

Baltimore is so hard they keep the stingray that killed the crocodile hunter at the National Aquarium. Another fact is that it was not always the National Aquarium, it just killed all the other aquariums in the country.

Baltimore is so hard I sprained my ankle playing soccer and got prescribed to heroin.

Baltimore is so hard Bossman is my manager at work and he sells me weed.

Baltimore is so hard Pimlico has trackmaks.

Baltimore is so hard theres someone waiting outside the closet with a bat so its probably best not to come out.

Baltimore is so hard that Evel Knevel refused to jump cars with MD tags.

Baltimore is so hard we actually have dingos here and yes they really do eat your babies… So keep a close eye on youre infant unless of course you have a shitty baby and you want to make a new one; and honestly who doesnt like making babies? If that be the case, we wont judge you if youre baby gets snatched because you were watching reruns of ‘Boston Public’. Just act sad like everyone else is doing, cause seriously noone gave three shits about ‘lil Timmy…

Baltimore is so hard the Ravens are just badass, there not trying like the Raiders are. Go ahead and ask the Patriots.

Baltimore is so hard that when you die, you just end back up in Baltimore…

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One thought on “Baltimore is So Hard!”

  1. I found a typo in this… the Star Spangled Banner was actually Francis Scott Key freestyling to a Bone Thugs N Harmony song. Everyone knows that F to the S to the K had a beef with Three Six Mafia. Westsiiide!!

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